A Motley Collection
by MozartsMuze
Summary: Kisuke sends some people to their doom...er, i mean to a therapist...chaos ensues. Hints of Ikkayumi, Grimmulqui, Hitsumatsu
1. One Weird Therapist

**A/N: This was just a random story that popped into my head. Kind of crack, but oh well!**

**No credit for owning Bleach goes to me, because if it did, there would NOT be more deaths that kisses *rolls eyes***

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"Good morning!! Pleased to meet you, I'm Dokuta-Kukki, the therapist." The thin man smiled brightly and adjusted his glasses. He let his eyes slide over the rather large group standing in the second-floor hallway that led to his office. Several looked extremely disgruntled, others excited, some indifferent. The man's eyes finally rested upon an extremely busty ginger with a shirt so low it defied the laws of physics and an expression of sizing him up. "Hello, young lady, are you here for my therapy sessions?"

"Umm...yeah, I guess so. Its where Kisuke told us all to come, so here I am! _My_ name is Matsumoto Rangiku, but _you_ can call me Rangiku." she grinned.

"Ah...good. So would you be in charge of this group?" He inquired, scanning the crowd for likely candidates.

"No...that would be me. I am Toushiro Hitsugaya" A short, white haired kid stepped forward with an exasperated expression. He was clearly not so happy about Kisuke's orders.

"YOU? Rangiku, is this kid your son?" dokuta-kukki looked incredulous.

"Um, no, that's taichou." She laughed. Hitsugaya, meanwhile, was trying his best to hide his anger. At least that insubordinate human hadn't actually said the dreaded word.....short. The diminutive Captain of Squad 10 cringed.

"I see," said the therapist, though he was obviously still confused, "I suppose you can come inside....sir." He led the way into a color-coordinated room that spoke of the false cheeriness that many psychiatrists seem to exhibit. "What I usually do with a group like this is have a session where we ALL talk, then I will discuss separate issues to individuals I feel need...more attention. Do you have an appointment, or are you just coming to make one?"

"We have one," said a skulking teenager with orange hair, speaking for the first time.

"And what's your name?" He asked congenially.

"Ichigo Kurosaki. But the group will be listed under Kisuke Urahara." Ichigo winced at the mention of the name. Most of the group had been rather unwilling to take Kisuke's suggestion of 'relaxing therapy', correctly assuming it would just be mental help for the more deranged members.

"Ah yes, I thought so! Is he here with you? I would like to ask a few questions about the personal information he gave about all of you." He said mildly. Several members (the ones who cared, that is) exchanged alarmed glances.

"Um...what kind of personal questions?" asked Ichigo with a worried look.

"Nothing much...I'll discuss it more with each individual. Now, can everyone please have a seat, and we'll get started!!" He sat down and looked expectantly at the fascinating collection of truly weird looking people. This must have been the most interesting group he'd met in a long time! One at a time they picked their chairs, then turned to face their therapist with a combination of absolute boredom and excited expectation (and not usually from the same person). "Sooooooo who wants to share?"

Silence.

"Surely one of you likes to talk?"

"OOOOH I like to talk!!!" shouted yet another orange haired girl (there was an abundance), slipping out of the near-trance she had been in for the past few minutes, daydreaming of things like toast with cucumbers and monkeys. "In fact, its one of my FAVORITE things! Next to cooking, of course. Did you know your name means cookie? I think that's really funny! I made cookies once, and they tasted REALLY GOOD!!! I put mushrooms and jalapeno peppers and grapes and rice and some orange stuff, I don't actually know what it was, and goldfish and actual fish (they always taste different for some reason) and--"

"What's your name?" He asked loudly, to drown her voice out.

"Orihime Inoue. As I was saying, I also put--"

"Er, that's enough, thank you. Anyone else? How about you...er..." He gestured to a bored looking man with shoulder-length raven hair and several colorful feathers attached to his eyebrows in a stylish fashion.

"Yumichika Ayasegawa. If I must add to this conversation, I would express that this room is unnaturally ugly, and if you want me to share more, I suggest we move somewhere more aesthetically pleasing." He sniffed imperiously.

"Um, thank you?" The poor man looked rather confused. However, despite this, he still seemed thrilled about his newest patients. Anxious to begin further diagnosis, he gestured to Yumichika's right, to a completely bald man that was leaning very far back in his chair with a murderous glint in his eyes. "How about you sir?"

"Me? I would like to add that you don't even look strong enough to belong to the Fourth Squad, _under_ Hanataro, and I would advise you not to piss me off too much or I'll slice you up into little pieces and feed you to Kisuke, which would serve him right for dragging us into this mess."

"I agree Ikkaku, and I'm already ALMOST pissed off at this idiot. I've seen old women in the Rukongai district that could fight better than this guy." A huge and somewhat terrifying man spoke for the first time. He had giant spikes of black hair on his head tipped with bells and an eye-patch, and was clearly competing for most intimidating member of the group (A/N: though it wasn't a clear win, thanks to Bleach's awesomeness).

"And you are..."

"Kenpachi Zaraki, and don't you forget it, because I might have to kill you soon!!!" He grinned maniacally, and dokuta-kukki glanced wildly around for someone else to talk to. Perhaps thinking that emo was less scary than Kenpachi, he directed his attention to another black haired man with a hollow hole in his neck and an expression of utter indifference.

"What's your name?"

"Ulquiorra Schiffer. I will give nothing more of myself away to trash like you." His flat voice was emotionless.

"Hey, Schiffer, that's no way to talk to the nice trash!" said a teal haired man loudly and sarcastically from a corner. He was sprawled like a cat across a large armchair, and was just as intimidating as any of the rest of them. "MY name's Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez, and I'm here to make your time pleasant and enjoyable. Or, at least, my time pleasant and enjoyable. I don't know how your's will turn out. Out of curiousity, do you enjoy torture and maiming?" The therapist looked intrigued.

"Well..." He glanced down at his list. "It seems that there are nine of you, and you've all introduced yourselves. But where is the tenth, Rukia Kuchiki?"

"Sick," said Ichigo, "again."

"Yes, she does tend to get sick quite often." Hitsugaya commented. He was trying to distract himself from Rangiku, who was distracting _herself_ with braiding his hair. The icy captain was _not pleased_.

"I see. Well, since we have finished with our group therapy session, we will move on to individual." The doctor had obviously given up on the idea of getting any of them to talk in the presence of one another, and probably hoped to get them to open up more by themselves. "Would Toshiro Hitsugaya please follow me into my office?"

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**well that was fun, wasn't it? I'll get more up soon, hopefully you laughed at least once... reviews are like toast!!****(but not the orihime kind of toast, luckily) stay tuned for hitsugaya funness!!!**

**-E**


	2. A Few Angry Men

**A/N: next chapter, yay!**

**Disclaimer: I own naught from bleach.**

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Dokuta-Kukki led Hitsugaya into a smaller adjoining room, closing the door and shutting off the arguments that were starting up between various members of the group. "So, Hitsugaya-kun, huh? You seem to be rather young for your…_position_…"

"That's _Captain_ Hitsugaya to you." He glared.

"So tell me, how has your life been treating you up to this point? Have you gone to school?"

"Of course. I would even venture to guess that I am better educated than you are." Hitsugaya said in a terse voice. He was making no effort to be pleasant to this annoying man.

"I see." The therapist jotted a quick note on his pad of paper and leaned closer. "So, since your education is in order, can you tell me something about your social life? You associate with an…interesting…group of characters."

The white haired shinigami gave a noncommittal 'hmph'

"Do you happen to have romantic relationships with any of them?" he asked, completely straight faced.

"What?!?!" Hitsugaya, fixing a death glare on the therapist. "Of course not! I am their superior, and it is therefore unacceptable to hold anything other than a business relationship with them."

"Really?" The man glanced at his paper. "So your relationship to one Rangiku Matsumoto would be…" he gestured towards the door.

"Purely…confidential." He finished, his cheeks pinking slightly.

"So what Kisuke mentioned…" The therapist stroked his chin musingly.

"Nothing!! Absolutely nothing!! And I will not stand for such insubordination any longer. Goodbye!" The Taichou got up from the chair, and though it did nothing to increase his height, he still looked rather intimidating as he stormed out of the room.

Dokuta-Kukki reviewed his notes:

_-slight Napoleonic complex due to height_

_-short temper_

_-superiority complex_

_-touchy about relationship with R. Matsumoto; look into?  
_

He smiled once again, satisfied with his accurate diagnosis.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"Ichigo Kurosaki!" The therapist called from his standpoint in his office. He smiled congenially at the who-has-the-longer-sword contest between Kenpachi and Grimmjow (including lots of angry growls and barely disguised aggression…no one had quite forgiven each other for the Winter War) and ushered the redhead inside.

"So…what do you want?" Ichigo asked, scowling, as he slouched into a chair.

"Nothing much, just to help!" Dokuto-Kukki smiled once again. That man had the optimism of Yachiru….but _none_ of the cuteness. "So, you attend high school in Karakura town I see?"

"Yeah." He nodded slightly and resumed his study of the room around him.

"Do you have a girlfriend there?" That man did NOT know how to be subtle.

"No." He began to look slightly annoyed.

"But according to Kisuke (A/N: and the fangirls) practically EVERYONE has the possibility of getting together with you, girls and boys alike. Most of that room, in fact. For instance, that lovely Orihime. Rukia is another one. But you have never—"

"Look, why should I tell you about my social life? It's clearly fine. Is there something _wrong_ with you?" Without his friends to restrain him, Ichigo got annoyed pretty quickly.

"I am trying to find out what's wrong with _you,_ actually. Do you have any…personal problems? Inner battles? You look like the type of kid who is torn between two worlds" Ichigo rolled his eyes at this point, "you wouldn't happen to have divorced parents, would you?"

"Look, I don't know WHO you think you are, but you have NO IDEA what I am dealing with right now!! My friends are jealous of my power, my mother is DEAD, and people are always trying to kill me!!! You know how many people in that room have attempted to kill me? Most of them!!! And fangirls are crazy, why would I be in love with ALL of my worst enemies!!!" He stormed out of the room in a similar fashion to Hitsugaya, slamming the door behind him.

The notes read:

_-MAJOR anger management issues_

_-commitment issues_

_-stressed_

He thought about that last comment for a moment and sratched off the last part, hoping to preserve his life through this interesting proccess.

Dokuta-Kukki smiled once again, showing his alarming similarity to Gin.

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**Ok, first chapter done. I take suggestions for which character to write in future chapters, but I'll get to all of them! Review please! :]**


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